I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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