Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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