You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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