I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
