I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
