Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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