im six kinds of drunk right now
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
