have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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