I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
