Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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