when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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