I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
