I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
