i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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