things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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