Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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