My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
