I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
