I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
