you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
