i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
