Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
