so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
