i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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