if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
