dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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