so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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