BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
