um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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