when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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