I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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