it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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