i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
