This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
