You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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