i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
