I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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