just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
