Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
