and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
