somebody snuck up and got me drunk
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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