plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
