i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
