Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
