I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
