Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
