Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
