I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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