hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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