Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
